Lost in Rio

My head tilted slightly to expose my olive skin to his soft sweet lips , he muttered ‘ tranquilo’ repeatedly as he traced my neck with his wanting kisses. I closed my eyes to take his scent in. Failing to calm my desire , I let my moan slip into his ear , feeding his need even more. Like an explosion , his lips met mine and my body fell into a trance of his world. 

The best night I’ve had in too long. Despite the fact that he knew no English and me no Portuguese, our chemistry was undeniable. I knew it from the moment I first laid eyes on him. That cheeky grin , his mysterious chocolate brown eyes , his perfectly sculptured body , I was in heaven . He was funny , a gentlemen , passionate , affectionate and gosh oh so incredible in bed . Passion was everywhere with this man. 

It wasn’t just the fact that looking at him could stir up lust in anymore , or that he was the adventure I’ve been looking for , it was the way  he outlined my oval face with his finger, the way he tucked my stray hairs behind my ear as he looked at me in a way no one has, he awakened something in my heart that I hadn’t thought possible anymore – insane unrealistic romantic love .

Since that unforgettable night , I’ve floated around the beautiful beaches and views of Brazil day dreaming of what our life could be. I see us going for Muay Thai classes together, I see him wrapping his arms around my waist as I prepare dinner , I see him carrying me onto the couch playfully , I picture him pulling me into his arms tightly and  making it known to the world that I belonged to him. 

Alas, I know that these are all unrealistic dreams . I know that the reality of it is we will return to our lives and never see each other again. The thing is, I don’t want that to happen .

Now it’s got me wondering why? How can a stranger have such an effect on me ? Is it because he is the first guy I’ve been with since my ex? Is it because it was the best sex of my life . Is it because he had the passion I’ve only ever felt with my three big loves? What is it and how do I control this?

Truth be told, I judged a book by his cover. I assumed our night together would be a great one night stand and nothing more. Boy was I wrong. I get butterflies thinking about him. I feel sick to the stomach as I wait for him to reply my text. I haven’t been hungry for anything the past few days except for his attention. What is going on! 

He’s got me feeling vulnerable and I hate it! I haven’t felt vulnerable in close to 6 years … 

I’m hoping that getting the truth out will help me lessen the anxiety I’m battling. So here goes nothing . 

I hope that he meant it when he said I was very special. I hope that he is true to his words and will indeed visit me in London. I hope he likes me like I do. I hope that he thinks of me throughout the day. I hope that I’m a memory he will forever remember. 

Wish me luck … I have no idea how I ‘caught feelings’ from a complete stranger. 

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Baby, baby, baby oooooh!

“Mummy, look! This is how you do it!”, said the adorable little creature while grinning ear to ear. The creature isn’t my kid, but the love I feel for him, is just indescribable. My ovaries burst at the sound of his voice, when he called me ‘Mummy’. I WANT ONE! Okay, scratch that. I WANT A WHOLE BASKETBALL TEAM OF KIDS! Hahaha. Yeah, yeah, I know, my hormones are working overtime. Wherever I go, babies, toddlers, little kiddos just warm up to me, and they make me feel like…I don’t know how to describe the feeling. I feel all warm and fuzzy inside, and my mind starts to wander off to places where it shouldn’t be. We had dinner together, and this little creature kept feeding me. Teeny hands holding his bottle of milk, tiny little feet running towards me, he placed his pillow on my lap, and carefully climbed his way on top of me, and he plopped his head comfortably on my chest. His daddy called him, asked him to drink milk with daddy, but he shook his head, and cutely said “No, daddy, I want Auntie. I drink milk here.” I died. I swear I died and went to heaven, came back, and died once more. When his father wanted to put him to bed, he shook his head once more, and insisted I put him to sleep. Within that few hours I spent with him, I felt over the moon. Okay, enough baby talk. One day, one fine day… Till then, I shall keep myself happy with other people’s children.

Love,

NafNad

Love you anymore

This song is on repeat in my heart and very obviously on my Spotify playlist. Every time I listen to Buble’s voice, I’m trapped in the three minutes and sixteen seconds. In a way though, I know I want to be trapped because in those three minutes and sixteen seconds, I can feel him next to me again. I see his piercing gaze, I see that sweet smile- that smile that I know still belongs to me and his touch, oh his touch that makes me believe that everything will be fine. Saying I miss him is hardly enough. It has no measure to how I’ve yearned for him for the last thirteen years, thirteen long years. He is the benchmark to the men after him and no one has come close.

It is such betrayal to even say that out loud as I know I’ve been through so much more with some of my exes, especially my most recent who has supported me through a lot. We’ve moved countries together , seen a lot of the world together and lived together . Yet , it is his belief in me, his cheeky unrealistic words ‘Niki, you can do anything. You can take over the world!’ that has gotten me through everything. His words , ‘ I thought I would marry you someday ,’ haunts me in wake and slumber. Even in his absence, a part of him is always with me. I can’t explain it, I’ve never been able to. It makes me wonder about soulmates and why sometimes the greatest loves are all so tragic. Is this what having a soulmate feels like? A pull that constantly brings you back to each other but the existence of an energy that keeps you apart? Physics was my weakest subject. 

I think back to our night in November of stolen moments and almosts. I think back to the veil of sadness over him as he pleaded for me to let him go and wonder if one day I will finally be able to. I think back wondering if that was really goodbye. 

Alas, thus is life .. my life. So for now, a little bit of my heart will always live in our memories and in this silence we both share, he will know how much I will always love him. 

This was my very belated Valentine’s Day post! 

Till next time, 

‘Niki’ 

Just because I accidentally and say your name,
When I hear our song it makes me insecure.
Just because I know I’ll never feel the same,
Doesn’t mean I love you anymore

 

Biology….Biology on the Pelvic Floor

[HAHAHA I think the title is funny. But seeing how Soya Girl talked about chemistry, I thought it’s only right for me to talk about biology, right? :P]

Hello lovelies! Can you believe, it is March already? Time has been zooming by, it’s not funny. It has been a while… I know. I think it’s because, for the first time in the longest time, I felt truly happy. It is true, life is full of surprises, and love will come knocking (or in this case, barging in) without any warning, when you least expect it. But of course, you don’t get everything in life, do you? Life gives you a taste of love, and then takes it away from you for a while. You just don’t know whether you’ll get it back some day, but in the meantime you just continue loving anyway.

It is a nice feeling, to be able to feel again. Hati berbunga, almost setiap masa. I have missed the feeling of missing someone, and it’s good to feel that again. Missing someone, who misses you back. Rindu, teramat sangat sungguh. Anyway, if my soya girl has been busy channeling her Cuban goddess, me here have been busy channeling my domestic goddess. Haha! I know, right? Me? Nafisah? Domestic Goddess? Yes! You read it right. I have been channeling my domestic goddess, and guess what? I am loving it. This morning, I woke up at 5am, cleaned the house, prepared breakfast for the two girls at my place, ironed their clothes, packed food for them, and got ready to go to work. To be honest, I enjoyed doing that. I can so picture myself waking up early every morning, preparing breakfast for my kids (and maybe husband), wake them up and dress them up for school, and yeah you know the drill. Perhaps it’s my biological clock which is doing all these to me right now, you know, the strong urge to get inseminated and have a teeny weeny fetus growing inside my womb. HAHAHA! I think it’s my biological clock, definitely my biological clock. AND the hormones as well. Oh well, all in due time I guess. Till then, I’ll just continue cooking and feeding my friends. That’ll do for now.

 

On another note, I have just discovered that I am actually quite artistic. That will be another story for another day. Okay that is all for now. Ciao ciao.

 

Love,

Your favourite Domestic Goddess

Chemistry …. chemistry on the dance floor

It’s been awhile.. I know. That’s because I’ve found yet another hobby to tact on to the long list I already have and that’s been occupying a lot of my ….. everything. The past few weeks, I’ve been spending my Friday nights drenched in hot, sticky sweat from hours of getting my groove on and channeling the Cuban goddesses out there.

You will probably not believe the next few paragraphs to come from me after all my ‘power to the women’ talk and this shouldn’t detract from any of my previous messages but this piece, this piece is just human nature I suppose. Raw, unapologetic animal instincts.

Coming out a three and a half year relationship and an emotional affair with my almost love, I was blocked. Not unhappy or anything but mostly numb in the matters of the heart and my second heart ( my vagina)… till him – him ,his unconventional beauty and rhythm on the dance floor.

He was like no other. The gentle yet assertive force he used to lead me around the chaotic dance floor made me submit to his every command. I shivered at the touch of his hands travelling down my spine as he swooped me into a drop, almost cradling me in his arms. With another swift movement, we were close again, our heads were inches away that his delicious scent was the very air I breathed. My knees weakened by his touch, were wedged between his, making our bodies a perfect union. We moved as one, our hips glued together. I was vulnerable to the way he traced the curves of my body. In his arms that enveloped my body tightly, I felt safe. For the three odd minutes that we danced to the Bachata beats, the rest of the club dissolved into nothingness. For the three odd minutes, I was truly his. I felt… and that was everything.

So I say ‘Thank you’ to this man. Thank you for sparking that flame in me once more. No one’s saying he’s my soul mate. For all I know, I won’t feel the same when we’re not in the dark corners of the club. But for now, I’m happy to have my flame lit from the chemistry, yes that chemistry on the dance floor.

Raikan Cinta

Love is in the air!

Hello beautiful souls! Yes, you! If you are reading this, then yes, you are a beautiful soul, and my soul wishes you the very best in love and life. I know it’s hari kekasih, tetapi saya tidak ada kekasih, maka, selamat hari cinta! Kerana cinta saya untuk semua. Okay wait, that sounds funny. Fine, my cinta is just for one, but my love is for all. If that makes sense. Anyway, it’s Valentine’s Day. For eight years, I celebrated the day with the so called love of my life. No fancy celebrations, just us spending time together. Sometimes we go out, maybe watch a movie, sometimes I cook, we stay in and cuddle, and just enjoy being with each other. Those days seem so long ago now. I don’t remember what I did for Valentine’s Day last year, so this year I am going to make sure it’s a memorable one. With me, myself, and I. Okay, so Soya Girl highlighted that I got her message wrong. I think I got it right, but it just got lost in translation. I think, what she meant is that she wants me to stop feeling sorry for myself, and start taking charge of my feelings, and my life, and not be afraid to be me again. Something along the lines of that, I suppose. Anyway, for as long as I can remember, I’ve always been a sucker for love. A hopeless romantic, yet cynical in her own ways. I had all sorts of theories about love, back then. I wrote countless pieces on love, had a few articles published too. I remember one particular favourite – Love is like Tom Yum. Hahaha, that was a good one. I have a long explanation on why I said love is like tom yum, and if you were to ask me now, I will have a more refined explanation for that, but let’s not get into it now. Another favourite of mine would be the one featured in one of the columns in The Star, on Valentine’s Day, many years ago. If I’m not mistaken, the piece is titled “This Thing Called Love”. I do not remember exactly what was written, but it was a really good one, if I may say so myself. Anyway, fast forward years later, this cynical hopeless romantic has grown, in many ways. Still very much a hopeless romantic, not so much a cynic. Surprise, surprise! One would have thought, with the amount of shit that has been thrown at me, especially in the love department, I would be more cynical than ever. But hey, I surprised myself too, I am actually less of a cynic compared to what I was back then, even when my love life hasn’t been looking so great (read: FAILED). I still believe my knight in shining armour, or better still, my professor in his sexy reading glasses, will somehow find his way towards me. Maybe right now he is busy working on his countless research, or maybe he is somewhere in his lab, or the library, studying. Wherever he is, I believe someday, he will find me. Until that day comes, I will continue to fall in love with myself, over and over again. So anyway, selamat meraikan cinta! If you have a significant other (lucky you!), have fun celebrating love today. If you’re a singleton like me (lucky us, yeay!), have fun celebrating love too! Celebrate love, today, and everyday!

Love-Heart-Tree-wm_large

Much love, and light,
Nafisah Nadirah

 

Fix Me

If I were to be completely honest with myself, I’d say I was left pretty much broken when my close to a decade-long relationship ended. Broken hopes, broken dreams, broken heart, broken everything. That lead me to the edge, and somehow, I went free falling into the dark, bottomless pit of despair. A year ago, I found myself in a black hole. Almost a year later, I am glad to report that I am out of that hole, but somehow just yesterday dear Soya Girl told me, rather brutally, to stop victimising myself. So here’s the thing, I am not quite sure how I am victimising myself (probably by not living life as fully as I should), but I shall take her advice and see where it goes. The broken Naf is not a nice Naf to be around, I know. The broken Naf is quite needy, yet pushes people away. The broken Naf is still nice, yet can be mean and bitchy. The broken Naf is insecure, and not as confident as the Naf we all used to know and love (haha, making myself sound like I am well liked and loved). So, I have decided to fix the broken me. I shall be aware whenever the broken Naf decides to come out to play, and do something about it. I have taken a proactive measure to try out new activities, push myself out of my comfort bubble. This week, I have signed up for different classes – I have boxing tonight, hip hop dance tomorrow (HIP HOP!? Me??? We shall see how that one goes), Jazzercise on Wednesday, Muay Thai on Thursday (I can’t wait for this one!), and some fight class on Saturday. I have also just watched a Youtube video on how to knit (yes, I am actually looking forward to knitting – legit crazy cat lady in the making). I don’t know if I have mentioned this, but I have been working on a list of 30 things to do before I turn 30. Composing a song wasn’t on the list initially, but to date, I have composed two, so that’s not too bad. So yes, I may not see it, but the self victimising broken me has got to go. I’m sure she will be leaving the building soon enough, and the Naf that I love and know will enter shortly after. So here’s to fixing the broken me. Enjoy the journey!

Cheers!

Love, love, and much more love,
Nafisah Nadirah